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One Nanny Too Many

March 14, 2007

If only we Americans could handle our children. That seems to be the message on a few prime time realities. In the world of the long running nanny-fixer-upper shows, unhappy couples with unhappy children need only a visit from a gentle, but firm English nanny to make the medicine go down fix a broken home. If only everyone could get a visit from one of these parental geniuses, there could finally be world peace.

I can’t stand these shows, and I’m tired of how they create this unrealistic illusion that all family problems can be solved by a complete stranger over the course of a few days. That a troubled family can become “perfect” and all spoiled or violent or belligerent children can be “cured” of their evil ways in about a half and hour (even less when you consider the commercial breaks).

The show begins with a montage of destruction. Children hitting, punching, scratching, screaming, and crying their way into getting exactly what they want. And, in spite of seasons and seasons worth of episodes, there are only two reasons why this happens: the mom won’t discipline the kids, or the dad. It’s just that simple. Sometimes mom is scared of her kids, or wants to spoil them, or wants to be the good cop. Sometimes dad is lazy, or travels too much, or he wants to be the good cop. And sometimes you get a house with two perfectly well-meaning adults who just have no idea what they’re doing.

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Spouse Swapping: Just Say No

March 02, 2007

As someone who has watched television her whole life, I would like to dole out a small piece of advice for Brilliant But Cancelled readers.

This is a public service announcement. If your loved one asks you to go on Maury Povich, you are not getting a makeover, and if your spouse comes home and asks you to “trade” with another family, It will not end well. Say no.

Every time I happen to come across a spousal swap show (and I don’t keep it on for very long), I always linger for a moment to see if the houses have television sets. Surprisingly, all of them do. I say that because anyone who has a TV, and presumably uses it, must know what these shows are, and therefore have no excuse.

Screaming fights, unhappy children, messy homes, neurotically clean homes, rich people, poor people, jocks, tattoo artists, circus freaks, devil worshippers… you name it, they’ve been on these shows. And I would feel bad for them for the humiliation they’re subjected to, but then, they all have televisions, and I wonder how they didn’t see it coming.

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