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Anonymous Critic

Spouse Swapping: Just Say No

March 02, 2007

As someone who has watched television her whole life, I would like to dole out a small piece of advice for Brilliant But Cancelled readers.

This is a public service announcement. If your loved one asks you to go on Maury Povich, you are not getting a makeover, and if your spouse comes home and asks you to “trade” with another family, It will not end well. Say no.

Every time I happen to come across a spousal swap show (and I don’t keep it on for very long), I always linger for a moment to see if the houses have television sets. Surprisingly, all of them do. I say that because anyone who has a TV, and presumably uses it, must know what these shows are, and therefore have no excuse.

Screaming fights, unhappy children, messy homes, neurotically clean homes, rich people, poor people, jocks, tattoo artists, circus freaks, devil worshippers… you name it, they’ve been on these shows. And I would feel bad for them for the humiliation they’re subjected to, but then, they all have televisions, and I wonder how they didn’t see it coming.

The trick of the show, it seems, is to get the most bizarre, freakish families together, and pair them up with other families, equally freakish but in an entirely different way, and let the fighting begin. We get to watch the sparks fly, and the domestic train wreck that is “meet your new mommy, she’s going to change everything in this house for better or worse."

The dads hate it, the kids hate it more, and the moms wind up fighting a losing battle to get their way in a household that doesn’t want them there. We can always count on tears, we can always count on screams, we can always count on tantrums (not just the kids, either), and we can always count on heated arguments at the end. And again, I’d feel bad, but no one appears by force (unless, of course, you count the children, who may not have had a vote, and who seem to suffer the most).

How can anyone with any sense, or at least, any working knowledge of these shows volunteer to appear on it?

And where do they get these people? Are there recruitment centers? Are people asked if they know any pirates/fire-eaters/cult members in their neighborhood that might want to appear on television to further their cause?

So, if someone approaches you in a dark alley and asks you if you and your husband or wife would like to appear on “Wife Swap” (because I’m convinced that’s how it happens), just say no. Or run. Or stop, drop, and roll. Whatever you need to do. Just don’t do it.

Comments

Lex wrote:

Well, *ahem* NBC _doesn't_ have a wife-swap show, while Fox and ABC do, so without that disclosure in the above entry, how are we to trust the motivation of the writer? Of course they're awful shows, but they're on the air only because they get enough ratings for the timeslot.

posted at March 5, 2007 02:14 PM

mark wrote:

What, is the above writer running for Senate? Who cares? Do you need someone you trust to tell you those shows stink? Trust me, then: they do.

posted at March 5, 2007 07:10 PM

Charles Moreland wrote:

Try reading about it. The book SWAP by Sam Moffie will tell you about trading wives.

posted at March 18, 2007 09:01 AM